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Now go home…..

She looked away,packed her bags and called a taxi at 1:30 am; prayed that she doesn’t get raped and sat in the cab. Cried for sometime and read couple of nasty messages that she got. Reached the airport only to realise she didn’t have the flight tickets with her. The security guards weren’t very happy with the digital ticket on her phone. At 4:30 she got a phone call and he said- go home, may be in a way it’s good that it happened. After 10 minutes she sat herself down and cried for 20 minutes. People started asking her what’s the issue but she had no words to explain what she had witnessed.

It’s been 3 years and she still doesn’t understand what went wrong, why was she punished, what was her fault.

After 3 years………

”we are coming. have to cancel our tickets . We will be there soon.”

Suddenly words stopped making sense to her and she stopped pretending that everything was fine. She realised that she was being used. Why didn’t they want to come and see her when she  was battling in the hospital.

Life sometimes doesn’t make sense. Sometimes she just sits and cries and doesn’t know what is the problem. She decided to stop pretending that everything was fine. She realised that she is all by herself and it’s going to be a  difficult battle. What she was aiming to achieve was a figment of her imagination but it sure did feel good.

Sometimes life throws you in such tricky situation and you’ve no clue what to do next. How to deal with people and their feelings. Sometimes you don’t want to tell people how hurt you’re. Sometimes you want to keep it to yourself cry for a while and you feel the problem has gone away the moment you wipe you tears. Only if it was that easy.

She was dealing with it for the last 26 years. They didn’t stand up for her when she needed them the most and now the time has come to leave them behind and move ahead. She might bump into them sometime and she is waiting for the day when she doesn’t have to block their calls and seeing them won’t make her unhappy. She is hoping that someday she will be able to see through them. Yes, sounds weird but sometimes people push you away, far away and even their existence stops making any difference to your life. She is waiting for the day when she forgets about their existence and moves on with her life.

As he said its good that it happened. Now go home……………..

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Relationships……..

Yesterday, I was trying to make a list of relationships that I have been in so . Such a task is never a happy one for most but for me it was a pretty easy one. Well, I moved to a boarding school when I was 16 . Things weren’t easy for me. I always dreamt of being in a relationship with a nice guy who would understand me, laugh with me, do crazy things and just don’t bother about the world. Well, you see it’s not really easy to get such a guy especially when you are studying in a girls’ school! So being in that one relationship was a herculean task for me. Of course I would get to meet a lot of guys who would want to take me out for coffee and such relationships were short lived. I think I have attention span of a 3 year old, I can easily forget people ! I am easy that way. So here I am , turning 27 and making a list of all the relationships that I have been in so far:

i) The weird one – I think when you are 16, you wear your heart on your sleeve. I met this guy and thought he was adorable. Fell in love with him in a jiffy and fell out of it in exactly 5 months. Ha ha ha. Now that I think about it, I find it soo silly. I mean what was I even thinking? He was horrible, would treat me like a trash bag and never respected me  and my friends never approved of him. Thank God for drilling some sense in me and I decided to show him the middle finger and moved on.

ii) The Charming One- I met this guy one day, I thought he was ridiculous. I hated him. He would call me every night and we would speak for 2-3 hours. My friend was madly in love with him but he had absolutely no interest in her. I thought he was just a friend but I realised after few months that he loves me and I was honestly not in love with him. He is a very good friend and I know that he would take a bullet for me but I never thought that he was the one. He was a buddy.

While I was on this crazy journey, trying to find ‘THE ONE’ who is perfect for me I discovered a thing or two about myself.. I am the happiest  when I am with myself. I enjoyed being in my room, not talking to anyone and just watching television. I enjoyed the loneliness. I enjoyed going for a movie all by myself. I enjoyed going to a spa and for coffee all by myself. Relationships have a big impact on you. There are some which put you in a spot, there are some that are old and familiar, some which answer all your questions, some which make you get a partner visa and move to a different continent altogether but the most exciting relationship of all is the relationship I have with myself.And in this solitary journey I found the one who loved my madness and loved me just the way I am and that’s just fabulous.

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Who has got the Time?

It took me exactly five months to write this. I had created this blog five months back but never really had the time to write something. Well, that’s the excuse I had in my mind. I have been wanting to do a lot of things but I never really did it as I never had the time.

After 24 years I have realised that my mum was right. I am plain LAZY and if I don’t want to do something then I tell people that I really don’t have the time for it as I am soo busy. Today while I was having my morning cuppa, my dad called my aunt and she was really upset as her family doesn’t have time for her and then all of a sudden I realised that – I don’t have the time is the real villain here.

I have come to realise that human beings are of 3 types:

i) Ambitious Nutcases- They are really busy achieving. They are never happy with what they have and always want more; more success, more money, more happiness. They never have time for anything. Trust me ANYTHING. It’s ok to be ambitious. There is nothing wrong with it but one should know where to draw the line. I was the ambitious one. I was never happy with what I had. I would put in extra hours and work hard/work smart but there came a time when I realised that I am done with it. Things happened and that was the wake up call. I shall write about it later, may be .

ii) Satisfied Genie- I love this second group. This is my favourite. They are really happy with what they have. They don’t complain, they take life as it comes and are satisfied. They take time off to do things they like. They don’t complain, don’t whine. They don’t say that they don’t have the time. My best friend is a satisfied genie and I am soo jealous of him/her. I was a satisfied genie after I moved back from UK. I was taking time off to do things I liked. I made time for myself but good habits are a bit difficult to maintain and I moved out of this phase as soon as I got a big career back and I was back to square one.

iii) Wuss/Confused Ninja – These are the people who know what they want but are not sure if that is the right thing for them. I think I am currently a confused ninja/wuss. I know what I want in life, I know the things I need to work on but I am scared to take the risk. I am scared to make the first move and every night when I go off to bed I know I have not done what I wanted to do and I have failed myself. It’s very difficult to take the first step and as you grow older it becomes more and more difficult.

Let me tell you a small story, there was a time when I was working 12 hours a day, I had no time for myself, for my husband and absolutely had no time for my mom and dad. I would speak to them everyday-may be 3 times a day but it was more like a list I was following. Then one fine day I realised that I am done with it and I quit my lovely job. I know a thousand people would kill to have this job but I just gave it up in one go. I didn’t think twice. I knew that it wasn’t worth the trouble I was going through and then one find day I packed my bags, booked my flight tickets and bought a book- EAT.PRAY.LOVE and traveled to Assam to do some soul searching. It’s been two months and I know what I want to do, things which went wrong but I am scared to make the first move. Guess, I have hurt myself too many times and I am scared to take the same road again. But I am done being a wuss. I am done feeling victimised. This phase needs to go. I need to have time for myself again. I need to do what I love and may be not always think about the consequences and most importantly I need to let go. I need to forget the past and move on with a smile and that is a work in progress right now.

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