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My Mango tree

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Have you ever imagined what happens when someone says that after x years you don’t belong here? Well, I can tell you for sure that it hurts. A lot.

I fail to understand why you have to stop belonging because your position has changed – does that mean you become a lesser human being? Or does that mean that no matter what you do or how much you do at the end of the day you have no RIGHT- no right to belong.

I find it amusing and the loss is too much to even describe. No we aren’t talking about the finances or money, we are talking about feelings. I find it amusing how one person stops belonging because of one’s gender or marital status. I would want to believe that I might belong somewhere someday but yesterday’s one incident taught me a big lesson – Never tell a child that you don’t belong somewhere and you have no right to come back after x years when things vanish and people fade away. It’s too painful a situation to even imagine. It doesn’t matter how old you’re but no1 likes to be told that you aren’t welcome here after we die because you have no right and your identity will also die with that person. I wish no1 has to go through this situation but I am not sure what hurts the most – being told that you have no right or you have no right because of your gender. In any which ways it’s a painful situation. No1 should tell you that you have no right to belong but when I think about it I feel it’s unfair on multiple levels. I have a small story to tell :

Many years ago, me and our help at home decided to plant a mango tree. We moved out of Ledo 18 years ago and in 2014 I came back to Ledo to have a look at my Mango tree. I thought that mango tree belonged to me so I again came back to Ledo in 2016 to have a look at the lovely mango tree. I cried like a child when I looked at it. It was beautiful. But suddenly I realised that someone else lives in our home- my father works for Coal India and we moved homes/cities every 2 years. We were moving from one home to another. And now someone else lives in our home. I agree that the house in Ledo belongs to someone else at the moment and in the next 10 years it might belong to a different family but no1 can tell me that the mango tree doesn’t belong to me. It’s too painful to even imagine. I am not sure if I will come back to Ledo after 10-15 years to re-live my memories of our home but I will definitely come back to Ledo to have a look at the mango tree. No1 can take that memory away from me. That memory belongs to me. I have the sole right to that memory. I might not have the right to a lot of things and people after couple of years but the joy that I get every time I have a look at the tree is priceless. No money can buy that feeling.

People die, situation change but never let go any memory that once made you soo happy. The memory belongs to you and no1 can take it away from you. There are few things that money can’t buy or gender roles can’t take them away from you and that my friend are your memories. Hold on to them tight!

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Fun, life, Life lessons, mother, parenting lessons

Mom & Me

I think this will be the first one in the series. I just wanted to throw this funny incident at the universe. You may ask why? Coz I think we all need to learn how to laugh at ourselves and this is the first lesson I have learnt from my mother.

So, I speak to mom everyday – on an average 35 times a week may be or even more. I speak about everything-things that are bothering me, issues at work, people not understanding me, how difficult it is to cook etc. So you get the picture right? It’s liberating to just tell her everything. So yesterday while we were discussing about life etc I asked her why she stopped sending me pictures on whatsapp. She said in a very jolly tone that there’s nothing interesting happening.I brushed off the entire incident by telling her that she must have forgotten how to send the photos.

So yesterday was a busy day at work and I was in middle of making a monster presentation. When all of a sudden I got a message on my phone- I chose to ignore it for few minutes and but then I checked it minutes later. I saw that I have a message from my mom and it was a photo that she has sent on my whatsapp. I looked at the pic couple of times and I wasn’t sure what my mom was trying to convey. I was a bit confused and annoyed as well that I get such mysterious photos in the midst of a crazy presentation. So I rang her up and asked her what that pic was all about and she said in a very jolly tone – ”So there is this leopard which had gone to drink some water from a big pot but then he got stuck and now he is walking around with a big pot on his head. It’s sad but quite funny as well so I sent you a pic because I thought it was interesting enough.” I started laughing like crazy and I told her that she is soo silly and she agreed with my point and started laughing at herself and that’s when I realised that we all need to learn to laugh at ourselves. And may be that’s why my mom has a chilled out day – everyday. I hope I can be like my mom and learn to laugh at myself once in a while because sometimes we all need to loosen up and stop taking ourselves soo S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y.

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accident, life, marriage

Mother Vs Mother-in-Law

I am not a big fan of the Indian relationship system. It expects you to treat all relationships equally. For example treat your mother in law like your mother! I mean how lame is it? The mother in question kept me in her womb for 9 months, had sleepless nights because of me, couldn’t eat because of pregnancy sickness and nausea and dang suddenly once you’re married you’re expected to treat this new creature mother-in-law like your mom. I think it’s utter bull shit!

I believe in respecting people but my father-in-law can’t be my dad and the monster mother-in-law can’t be my mother. When you’re married against your family’s will there is a lot riding in a relationship to make it work but is it just the girl’s responsibility? Doesn’t the man of the house have the same set of responsibility? Well, I have always tried being nice to the in-laws till they fought with me and made my life hell when my husband was in UK. I was soo close to walking out of it but I gave it another go. I love my husband soo much that I was willing to put up with his miserable parents but at what cost?

My sister met with a major accident yesterday and when I was telling my husband about the situation she was quick to pass a snide comment – It’s good she dies. What’s the point of living like this! I swear to God I wanted to kick her soo hard and give her 1000 slaps. How demented can you be to say such a thing? This incident made me realise the difference between mom and mom-in-law! The mother in law will pretend that you’re part of the family and will find the first opportunity to give you one tight slap! I have zero respect for that woman now. Not only have I closed my heart but the doors of my house are also permanently closed. I wouldn’t want to be associated with such disgusting people! I only pray that my sister recovers!

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Family….

Family holds a very special place in my heart. I absolutely love my cousin sisters. There are days I hate them and I want to bash them up and there are days I laugh at their silly jokes. Last evening I heard that my baby sister met with an accident. My mom didn’t give me all the details but whatever I got to know later scared the hell out of me! The first thing I did was download her pics from whatsapp and look at it for sometime.

It’s been 12 hours and I am still shocked. I remember one small incident. She asked me something which ticked me off and I told her that I wouldn’t want to talk about it. I was really mad at her for asking me about something I didn’t want to talk about. She sent me sorry messages for the next few days and promised never to ask me anything that would upset me.

I read somewhere that one must first find their best friends in their family. I always hated the fact that I had an elder brother. I always wanted to have a sister as I felt they are more sensitive. There was a void in my life and this little sister of mine made me happy when days were difficult, sent me stupid jokes when I was upset. Now seeing her struggle for her own life is difficult. Well she is just 22 for crying out loud! But I hope she will recover. My sister is a fighter and I know she won’t give up!!!

As Carrie Bradshaw would put it – The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don’t. But, in the end, they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into and sometimes it’s the one you make for yourself.

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memories

An old letter found and few older memories relived

Today I was cleaning my file bag when I found an old letter written to me by my father on 17/11/2004. Yes, It has been ten years and I still have that letter and the credit goes entirely to my mom. I had moved to UK few years back and had come to India for a month which changed my life in many ways. My mom found that letter kept properly in my books and handed it over to me.

I asked her, ” Ma, what do I do with it. and where did you find it.” She promptly replied,” I found it in your bag and this was written to you by papa and it might give you some hope and bring some good memories.” I had taken the letter, kept it in my file bag and traveled back to UK. I was mere 16 years old when papa sent that letter to me and now I am 27. A lot has happened but there are few things I can never forget.

I can never forget how my dad saved his entire salary to educate me and my brother. How and in what difficulty my father paid for my studies, sent me to an expensive boarding school and lead a life with not much luxuries. I didn’t understand the worth of money or what my parents did for me when I was 10 years old. My competition was mostly with my brother. I regret that I came out of home soo early. No money can give me back those memories I missed, the moments I wanted to live and relive. But I know one thing that no matter what I do for my parents I can never payback my parents for what they have done for me.

It’s a vicious circle, when you have the water you never appreciate it. I realised all this when I got married and moved to a different country. But I try making up for the days missed. My papa always tells me that I don’t plan things well ahead and I take leaves and come home whenever I want but I don’t regret that one  bit. I am happiest when I am in my home with my ma and papa. I am just happy naming the chickens, I am just happy gossiping with my mother. I missed it and I would give anything to spend every moment with my ma and papa.

I am sure every child may not be as lucky as I am to have such caring parents but it’s very important to be grateful for your blessings and I think my parents, my education and my husband are my greatest blessings; I am so glad and thank god that I have got great ma and papa. Children should learn to be thankful and one must remember every child isn’t that lucky and one must always remember that it’s not the parent’s duty and responsibility to give the child everything, parents don’t have to save everything to educate their children, parents don’t have to curb their wants and save by not buying clothes for them so that they can pay for the child’s education loan. It’s not their responsibility. They do it because they love us. They don’t do it  because they have to, they do it because they want us to have a good life. The day children realise these ground realities then they would know what the world is all about.

I am happiest when I buy something for my parents and I was thrilled  when I took my mom to a 5 star hotel for spa. May be that was my way of thanking her but one thank you is never enough but I am proud of myself that this mothers day I thanked my mom for everything she did. My mom gave up everything and stayed with me when I was unwell, my mom consoled me when I was going through hell.  I could sense the joy in my ma’s voice when I thanked her. She was speechless.

God I hope everyone gets lovely parents but most importantly I pray that children understand the sheer importance of parents and love them selflessly. We need to count our blessings and thank god and I thank god everyday that I have ma and papa with me because everyone isn’t that lucky.

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Now go home…..

She looked away,packed her bags and called a taxi at 1:30 am; prayed that she doesn’t get raped and sat in the cab. Cried for sometime and read couple of nasty messages that she got. Reached the airport only to realise she didn’t have the flight tickets with her. The security guards weren’t very happy with the digital ticket on her phone. At 4:30 she got a phone call and he said- go home, may be in a way it’s good that it happened. After 10 minutes she sat herself down and cried for 20 minutes. People started asking her what’s the issue but she had no words to explain what she had witnessed.

It’s been 3 years and she still doesn’t understand what went wrong, why was she punished, what was her fault.

After 3 years………

”we are coming. have to cancel our tickets . We will be there soon.”

Suddenly words stopped making sense to her and she stopped pretending that everything was fine. She realised that she was being used. Why didn’t they want to come and see her when she  was battling in the hospital.

Life sometimes doesn’t make sense. Sometimes she just sits and cries and doesn’t know what is the problem. She decided to stop pretending that everything was fine. She realised that she is all by herself and it’s going to be a  difficult battle. What she was aiming to achieve was a figment of her imagination but it sure did feel good.

Sometimes life throws you in such tricky situation and you’ve no clue what to do next. How to deal with people and their feelings. Sometimes you don’t want to tell people how hurt you’re. Sometimes you want to keep it to yourself cry for a while and you feel the problem has gone away the moment you wipe you tears. Only if it was that easy.

She was dealing with it for the last 26 years. They didn’t stand up for her when she needed them the most and now the time has come to leave them behind and move ahead. She might bump into them sometime and she is waiting for the day when she doesn’t have to block their calls and seeing them won’t make her unhappy. She is hoping that someday she will be able to see through them. Yes, sounds weird but sometimes people push you away, far away and even their existence stops making any difference to your life. She is waiting for the day when she forgets about their existence and moves on with her life.

As he said its good that it happened. Now go home……………..

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I BELONG TO MYSELF

solo girl

I’ve a small story to tell which might be a bit disturbing in multiple levels. I love travelling and I always wanted to travel on my own to far distant countries. I would love to go to Greece, Paris or Dubai all by myself- just me, my satchel, my bags and my magazines. Sip a glass of champagne and read my favourite magazine. Yes, travelling alone can be a bit daunting but I’ve done this before and it’s really nice. I remember two months back my mother was visiting me and I was telling her all about my solo travels in UK and she was quite surprised. She asked me how I did it and if I was scared. My answers surprised her and she was happy that I had a good time travelling alone. I have been married for little over 3 years but solo travels are really nice sometimes. It gives you time to think about your life, failed relationships and above all gives you alone time. Just few days ago I wanted to get myself a visa to travel to Dubai. Man, travelling to Dubai would be nice, is what I thought. 6 days getting away from the city, shopping and having tea and macaron at Paul sounded brilliant. So, I got my visa papers sorted and I was quite kicked to submit my documents when one of the visa officers asked me for the NOC letter from my father or husband and I wasn’t sure why he wanted it in the first place. I tried telling him that I am 27, I am independent and I have a job and for Christ sake I don’t need a bloody NOC to travel anywhere. 45 minutes later, this conversation wasn’t going anywhere and his last statement pissed me off. He said that the UAE govt would want to know who I belonged to. I couldn’t believe his words and decided to just leave.

I was quite upset and I wanted to punch the visa officer really hard but actually it wasn’t his fault, may be. He was just doing his job. Unfortunately we are living in an age where women can’t travel alone, if they choose to travel alone then the society starts doing trash talk. If we buy an expensive bag or perfume, the society will ask you if your rich father or rich husband paid for it. If we decide to watch a movie all by ourselves then people will ask you if everything is fine and if you are still married. Seriously, being a women is tough. We’re so screwed. Trust me the society will suck the life force out of you. I am a bit tired of the so called rules of the society. I have faced a lot music from the society on travelling alone, on buying expensive bags and shoes and on going to watch a play just by myself.

So dear Mr Society/Mrs Society, I would want to know what’s your problem. Why does it bother you so much if I travel alone or decide to buy an expensive bag for myself. I mean how jobless are you? Do you pay any of my bills? Please stop passing judgement. I don’t need anyone’s permission to travel or to buy a bag. So please mind your own business. I will do whatever I want to. I don’t need anyone’s approval. And yes, don’t tell me that I am a girl and I need to be careful. Please teach your sons to be human beings and not rape girls. Don’t tell your daughters to be careful, ask your son to treat girls with respect. Don’t tell them that boys don’t cry, teach them better. Boys don’t make others cry. I think the problem with the society is bad parenting. Parents always seem to have an excuse to pamper boys but when it comes to their daughters they follow archaic rules. I hope every mother stops discriminating and stops being partial to their sons. I hope the next time a son misbehaves with the daughter, the parents have the courage to slap the son and tell him to shut up and not tell their daughter to forgive the son. We need to change rules. We need to start being human beings first.

I hope I can travel to Dubai someday without a NOC from my father or my husband because I am not a piece of furniture and I don’t belong to anyone. I BELONG TO MYSELF.

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